To the rest of you…go build a snowman, you foreign-religioned Communist heathens!
(P.S. Don’t share your secret with anyone or you’re likely to be stoned to death with fruitcake bits. And don’t forget to use the secret handshake, or we won’t let you into the Grinch cave).
America is a Christmas nation. If you doubt that, look at how much our economy relies upon it. Also take a look at a little piece of paper called, The Constitution of the United States.
We the People, in Order to consume more stuff, stimulate the economy, ensure domestic drunkenness, provide for the shopping malls, promote the general Welfare of people who celebrate Christmas, and secure the Blessings of Gift Cards to ourselves and our Secret Santas, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.
This great Christmas nation draws its strength from the wonderful Christmasians who pay tribute each December not only to Christ, but also to the gifts that all of the cool people brought him (except maybe the whole Drummer Boy thing…c’mon, you couldn’t find something a little quieter to give a newborn baby king?).
Christmas is more than just gifts and sparkling lights, though. It’s a time to celebrate the gift of eternal life in Heaven (Jesus always gave the best gifts…remember the loaves and fishes?). This Christmas, embrace the true meaning of the holiday. And don’t forget to stop eating when you feel food backing up into your esophagus.
Make sure the animals are involved: The manger belonged to the animals first, but they were nice enough to share (even though in the Christian religion they have no chance of reincarnating as a person…the same goes with Pinocchio). If you have animals, buy them stuff and mock their animalness by making them unwrap their own presents.
Get there first: Getting there in time to see Jesus being born was popularly known as The Amazing Race: Bethlehem. Celebrate the crowning of baby Jesus’ head by reaching the shopping malls first for the best deals. Don’t be shy about drop-kicking a mother trying to take the Xbox from you. Jesus would have wanted it that way.
Reciprocity: The Three Kings brought hot commodities to Jesus and received God’s blessing in return. So if you receive a gift from someone, be sure to give them something within 7-10 business days. Don’t worry, it doesn’t need to be thoughtful, it just needs to be. (There are even iPhone apps that will help: Swagg lets you send a gift card, or even money, using your cell phone…what better way to show you care than an email notification of a gift card…no mess…no fuss…no wrapping).
Stick it to the outsiders: The Roman pagans thought they could deal with the “King of God” issue by killing babies, but they got what’s coming to them (e.g. the Roman Empire fell to even worse heathens, Dan Brown’s The DaVinci Code). If you know someone who doesn’t celebrate Christmas, the least you can do is make him feel bad. If it’s someone you’re dating, break up with him and tell him it’s because he’s going to hell.
Photo: Courtyard Crucifix © 2010 by Shawn Radcliffe / Branáin