Why Drug Companies Are Like Horny College Boys

“Whoa! What are you doing?”

“What do you mean? I wasn’t doing anything.”

“That thing that you do! You know what I mean, where you try to sneak in without me noticing.”

“But I care about you. I’m doing this for you.”

“I thought we talked about this. We agreed that we’d try other things first.”

“I know you’ll like it. C’mon, just try it.”

“No.”

“Just a little?”

“No.”

“What if I pay for it?”

“Well…okay.”

The drug companies are at it again. Block one groping hand trying to get you to use their drugs and another one slips through your defenses. And each time is a little more subtle than the one before.

Last year, the drug companies were under fire for using questionable methods to promote their products:

• They gave gifts to doctors and their staff to encourage them to prescribe their drugs, including pens, trips, fruit baskets, cocktail parties. (“Hmmm…I wonder what drug would help my patient with his erectile dysfunction. Wait, why don’t I give him the one that’s on this nifty pen shaped like an erect penis.”)
• They hosted “educational” seminars for medical students. (“This unbiased seminar brought to you by Glaxvartis, maker of Penetror, the one-pill-a-day-end-run-so-you-can-penetrate-their-defense medicine.”)
• They even paid non-doctors to ghost-write favorable “scientific” articles for their products. (Hey, Glaxvartis…if you’re reading this, I had my conscience removed last year, so I’m totally on board with this.)

This year, while drug companies are sliding their drug-filled groping hands under your shirt, they are also promising that they are “helping” you. Truly ingenious.

How are they doing this? The drug companies now give coupons to patients to cover the cost of the co-payments on the more expensive name-brand drugs.

“That’s f#$%-in awesome, man!”

Well, sure. You pay less, but the insurance companies now have to pay more money for the drugs that you take.

“That’s f#$%-in awesome, man! Stick it to the insurance companies!”

Okay, I’ve felt that way before, too. But the insurance companies will pass those costs onto your employer who pays part of your monthly insurance premiums.

“That’s f#$%-in awesome, man! My employer’s a total jerk, anyway. Stick it to them!”

Been there, too. Someday, though, your employer will make you pay more for your health insurance.

“Bummer, dude!”

Yes, total bummer. But like I said, ingenious.

So, before you become just another good time for a horny (just like college boys) drug company, tighten up your chastity belt. Remember, once you lose your drug virginity, you can never get it back.

And watch out for those free samples, too. They’re just another way for drug companies to get you hooked on their “magic stuff.”