Fashion and Technology Combine to Track Your Children

January 24, 2011 at 10:37 am  •  Posted in Humor by  •  0 Comments

LED smile appliques on the teeth of Japanese teenagersJapanese schoolgirls are driving a new fashion craze that is giving Hello Kitty and Pokemon a run for their money: LED lights attached to their teeth.

Now is the time for parents to take advantage of this new trend by using it to monitor their children in a world of increasing dangers and temptations.

The LED lights can easily be combined with two already prevalent technologies:

  • Radio-frequency identification (RFID): Small tags are used to identify the location of an object, e.g. finding a package in a warehouse.
  • Smartphones: Apps can measure not only the location of the phone, but also the position of the phone and user. The apps can collect data from the phone and any RFID tags in the vicinity.

To set this up, secretly slip an RFID tag onto the back of one of your daughter’s LED lights and load up her smartphone with tracking apps.

Now you’re ready to go. Here are just a few of the possibilities for tracking your daughter’s activities with this technology.

Measure your daughter’s activity levels throughout the day:

  • Did she leave for school on time?
  • Is she running or walking when she should be sitting in class?
  • Is she having sex? [Note: Certain amusement park rides may give false alerts of sexual activity.]

Receive alerts whenever her RFID-tagged teeth come near other RFID tags:

  • Affix a few tags to your beer bottles and you’ll know when she’s secretly drinking after school.
  • Is she making out with a boy/girl who also has tagged teeth?
  • Secretly tag her boyfriend’s piercings and know when her mouth is near his nose, nipples, or whatever else is pierced.

Make identification of your daughter easier:

  • If she’s like most teenagers, she prides herself on looking like everyone else. With your own smartphone, you can quickly hone in on her RFID-tagged teeth, avoiding those awkward moments where you try to take the wrong girl home.
  • Speed up the processing at the police station after she’s caught vandalizing her school. You can also set up an auto-alert to email you when she is handcuffed and placed in the police car.

Don’t delay. Your peace of mind is waiting for you.

Photo courtesy of the New York Times.

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