The Shimkus Analysis usually provides insight into sacred texts like the Bible or the Koran, but today, in honor of Black Friday, we’ll be looking for God’s secret messages in the holiday season sales flyers.
Take 20% off! God understands that our flesh is weak, especially when it comes to eating the flesh of his other creatures. Use the post-Thanksgiving season to shed excess pounds and work your way up Jacob’s Ladder to God, just like the emaciated woman in this Macy’s ad.
Give Glory to God! What better way to worship your Lord and Savior than by playing videogames? Relive the glory of the Crusades or save your soul by jumping over falling objects. Let your thumbs be your road to salvation, says this ad from Best Buy.
Cleanliness is Next to Godliness, even for poor people. As this ad from Dollar General shows, God shows his love to poor people by providing them with inexpensive cleaning supplies. In return, the poor people give God’s followers a chance to demonstrate their selflessness by hosting soup kitchens and blanket collection drives.
Everyone Can Choose Their Favorite Flavor of Religion. God loves everyone, not just the overly devout. In this Bed Bath & Beyond ad, God reminds us that everyone can choose their own flavor of worship. So don’t be constrained by the religions that are out there now. Feel free to mix and match, or create your own.
Be Rigid With Your Beliefs. Once you choose your path, though, hold firm and don’t be swayed by temptation, and if other people challenge your beliefs, use your power tools to protect your religion.
Your Home Office Hookup Starts at 5 a.m. Again, God understands that our flesh is weak and, as this WalMart ad shows, meaningless sex with people you hardly know is part of the holiday season. But remember, if you hook up with a drunk coworker, be sure to finish by 11 am.