Government Dietary Advice: Stop Being So Fat (and Others That Didn’t Make the Cut)

February 1, 2011 at 10:09 am  •  Posted in Humor by  •  0 Comments

Al Gore drinking a 7-11 Super Big GulpFederal regulators fast-tracked the latest dietary advice for Americans, releasing the results to much fanfare on January 24.

The new nutrition guidelines come after only 47 years of committee meetings, consensus gathering, and resort vacations with industry lobbyists

The government has cracked open the public health debate by laying down, by far, the most innovative nutrition ideas since King Louie XVI declared that rotten cheese was safe to eat.

Government Tackles Obesity in America

Here are a sampling of the astounding new dietary advice guidelines:

  • Enjoy your food, but eat less.
  • Drink water instead of sugary drinks like soda.
  • Eat more fruits and vegetables.
  • Cut down on processed foods.

Sadly, there are other guidelines that didn’t make the cut. Food industry officials, speaking for the safety of the American public, have cautioned that more investigation is needed to determine whether other dietary advice should be recommended by the government:

  • Stop being so fat.
  • Cut back on rat hair and feces in your processed meats.
  • If you find a finger in your Chicken McNuggets, eat around it.
  • If you suddenly break out into a sweat while eating the entire sushi boat by yourself, stop eating.
  • Children over 200 pounds should switch to the 7-11 Big Gulp from the Super Big Gulp.

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