Holiday Letter 2010

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December 13, 2010 at 10:34 am  •  Posted in Humor by  •  0 Comments

Christmas wreath on the door of an apartment buildingDear Friends and Family (and others who don’t fit into those categories):

Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, and Joyous Kwanzaa. If you celebrate another holiday, please send me an email and I’ll include it in next year’s Richardson Family Holiday Letter.

As you know, it’s a long-standing Richardson holiday tradition to tolerate the differences of others, especially when they don’t have Christ in their heart.

As you may have heard, Pappy Richardson is now living in our garage so you might want to watch what you say if you stop by. Since the stroke, he hasn’t been able to load the shotgun properly, but it’s best not to mention non-Christmas holidays, man-on-man or woman-on-woman touching, or Brown v. Board of Education.

Nancy mentioned just now that some of you aren’t celebrating any holidays, which seems a shame in a country whose founding fathers encouraged Christmas by putting it in the Constitution. I hope this doesn’t have anything to do with Uncle James touching your “private place” last year after having too much egg nog. You know how he is sometimes, and don’t worry, his rash has cleared up and the doctor doesn’t think it’s contagious.

A year is a long time to go without sharing the Richardson’s great news with you. It’s been a busy year for us, with Margaret’s baby due soon (fyi, the private detective has a lead on the father, so fingers crossed everyone), and Mikey is finally coming home from his year-long retreat (don’t worry, we’ve stopped using propane and asked the neighbors not to look him directly in the eyes).

After her operation, Nancy has a new outlook on life (and you don’t really notice that the right one is larger unless you hold them both in your hands). She’s much more outgoing and loves to dance in the house, especially around the poles in the garage.

I don’t see her as often, though, now that she’s spending most nights working at Delilah’s, a homeless shelter along the river. She’s also become a coupon-clipping expert, saving enough money to buy a new red sports car. In January, she’ll be going on a church trip to Las Vegas, a few months maybe longer she says, so if you’re near there, you can check her out along the strip.

Business is great, although slower than I expected. I was hoping to reach Level 4 by the end of this year, but sales of powdered potatoes have been slower than expected. My team sponsor, Donnie, is very supportive and he and Nancy have hit it off, which I’m sure will help me advance in the company.

Donnie says, if I can move enough of Dr. Patinkin’s Cleansing System and Age-Reducing Wireless Brassieres, by next year I might finally move beyond Level 5. In January, Donnie will be going to a company conference in Las Vegas, for a few months maybe longer he says, so I have extra product and can hook you up (financing is available, just send me an email).

I hope all is well with you. We’d love to come visit sometime, although it’ll have to wait until I’m taken off the No-Fly list (the airport signs should have been clearer about which guns aren’t allowed in your carry-on).

Good news, though. After the incident, I was contacted by a non-profit group based out of Idaho. They help people like me who have issues with the government. Speaking of that, I have to cut this letter short because today they’re showing me how to board a plane without attracting too much attention.

Wishing you a wonderful Christmas.

Love,

The Richardsons

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