As long as men have struggled to impress women on Valentine’s Day, some have always fallen short of expectations.
Here we learn how science is starting to unravel the mystery of the Valentine’s Day Choke Reflex.
For every man who succeeds in pleasing his special woman, another 5 men fail so painfully that even their friends avoid them for the next week. Of those 5, nearly half will not even be given a second chance next year.
“It’s one of life’s greatest mysteries,” said Dr. L. Calrissian, a stunningly attractive anthropologist at the University of Pennsylvania.
The earliest evidence of the VDCR, as it is known, comes from the Venus of Willendorf, a 4.3 inch high female figurine made between 22,000 and 21,000 BCE.
“Subsequent excavations have turned up evidence that indicates that the large-breasted Venus is really an attempt by a rather low-level sculptor to impress one of the tribal chief’s concubines,” said Dr. Calrissian. “It’s really quite a poor attempt. The sculptor is emphasizing what he likes about the woman–large knockers. This is something we see in all cases of VDCR, a fixation on what you think will help you get lucky.”
Even Shakespeare, the master of the double and triple entendre suffered from VDCR. Researchers at Oxford University in England have analyzed his 154 Sonnets for clues, finding that while he was a master of the quill pen, he fumbled when handling women’s hearts.
“‘Shall I compare thee to a summer day?’ Really? That’s what he’s working with?” said Juliet Danes, professor of Really Old English Stuff. “No woman wants to be called hot and sweaty. That just reminds them of menopause.”
While archaeologists dig into the past for signs of VDCR, biologists are focused on identifying the underlying genetic causes of men failing their women on Valentine’s Day.
“This is a disease that affects tens of thousands of men each year,” said Dr. Darcy Forbes, a heart specialist at the NECCO Clinic of Relationships. “If we can identify the genes that are responsible, we can stop the senseless suffering.”
Currently, Dr. Forbes’ work is focused on young adult males, what he refers to as the “video game set.” In the weeks leading up to Valentine’s Day, male volunteers are tagged with microchips that monitor their stress hormones throughout the day.
An application downloaded onto their cell phones allows technicians to correlate the spikes in stress with specific activities, based upon texts sent (e.g. “WTF! She’s never going to like this padded bra, but the singing bass is all sold out!”) or online shopping habits (e.g. last-minute flowers, a Whitman’s Sampler).
“Right now, two weeks out we can identify with 75% effectiveness which men are going to choke on Valentine’s Day. This is a huge leap forward in the science of male-female interpersonal relationships.”
Photos courtesy of:
Wikimedia Commons , User Matthias Kabel