For months, people have been betting on who Donald Trump will choose to fill his Presidential cabinet.
Now the wait is over … with all the top positions awarded to the seriously undead.
For most people, the rise in zombie activity around the world has been nothing but a pain in the neck (or arm or leg or wherever the zombies bite).
But leave it to the presumptive Republican presidential nominee (also known as He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named) to capitalize on other people’s suffering.
Today, speaking in front of Trump Tower in New York City — which Trump repeatedly referred to as “the third Twin Tower that no terrorist could knock down” — Trump announced his presidential cabinet members.
And thanks to some really skilled headhunters — some of whom are zombies, as you might expect — Trump was able to assemble a team that, he said, would help “Make America Great Again, You Motherfuckers!”
Trump led off his list of putrescently formerly deceased potential cabinet members with his pick for Secretary of Homeland Security — none other than Iraq’s former longtime bad boy, a man who was responsible for more deaths than Trump deals gone bad.
“Saddam Hussein was a bad guy, right? … But you know what he did well? He killed terrorists. He did that so good,” Trump said. “They didn’t read `em the rights, they didn’t talk. They were a terrorist, it was over.”
Next up, for Secretary of Health & Human Services, Muammar Gaddafi, the former Libyan leader who elevated ‘crazy dictator’ to new artistic levels. As always, Trump was quick to point out his superiority to his employees.
“I rented him a piece of land. He paid me more for one night than the land was worth for two years, and then I didn’t let him use the land,” Trump boasted. “I don’t want to use the word ‘screwed’, but I screwed him.”
Adolf Hitler, the man who continues to inspire Fox News pundits, was expected to be named Secretary of Education for his commitment to teaching youth. But Trump surprised everyone with his pick of a man who knows more about impaling than informing — Vlad III.
When asked about this unexpected choice, Trump had one thing to say to our female journalist.
“You know, it doesn’t really matter what you write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass,” Trump said.
Trump Complete Presidential Cabinet Line-up:
Department of Agriculture
Department of Commerce
Department of Defense
Kaiser Wilhelm II
Department of Education
Vlad III (aka Vlad the Impaler)
Department of Energy
Department of Health and Human Services
Department of Homeland Security
Department of Housing and Urban Development
Department of Interior
Department of Labor
Department of State
Department of Transportation
Ho Chi Minh
Department of Treasury
Department of Veterans Affairs
Idi Amin Dada
White House Chief of Staff
- Hitler Youth burning books, Associated Press
- Saddam Hussein captured, Wikipedia
- Muammar Gaddafi has some crazy clothes, Islam Times
- Vlad the Impaler, Wikipedia
- Ann Coulter, Forward and Make Me Zombie