Welcome to the Shimkus Analysis, where we provide thoughtful analysis of sacred texts without the burden of context. This week, an excerpt from The Bible.
Behold, I have commanded a widow there to feed you. (1 Kings 17:9)
Women who have suffered the indignity of losing a husband are considered social outcasts by God. According to the Bible, a wife’s solemn duty is to protect her husband from all harm*; or else to die before him, thus saving herself and her husband great shame.
Widows should spend the remainder of their lives providing sustenance** to men, especially men who treat them kindly by pinching them on their bottoms and raising their spirits with sexually perverse language.
*Such protection may mean keeping the husband from physical injury (e.g. “taking one for the team”), or supporting him even after he has boned several interns working in his office and later lied about it.
**Sustenance is generally taken by scholars to include both food (savory and sweet) and sexual favors, although sadomasochism is allowed only between a man and his wife.