Women’s Bags: You Can’t Own Just One

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January 12, 2011 at 10:40 am  •  Posted in Humor by  •  3 Comments

Pile of women's bags - Rachel ZoeFirst you owned a single purse, but now your life has been reduced to a vast collection of designer women’s bags and dislocated shoulders.

You know who you are. I’ve seen you around town.

Strutting down the sidewalk with your stiletto high heel boots peeking out from under your floor-length BeDazzled designer jeans, hitting random strangers in the back as you glide past with several classy women’s bags slung over your buff shoulders.

Or shopping at Saks Fifth Avenue with your flotilla of designer women’s bags following in your wake or attached to your body like barnacles clinging to the cold steel hull of a ship.

You enter the store as a dignified woman and leave with another three women’s bags melded to your soul–this time made of glossy paper with a dark cord strap and sleek black lettering reminiscent of Abstract Expressionism.

Women's bags: Gift bags from Saks Fifth AvenueThe more you shop, the more bags you accumulate, like space junk glomming onto the nearest center of gravity, or ocean detritus collecting in the Sargasso Sea, doomed to float endlessly in your stagnant waters.

As a little girl you owned one bag, given to you by your mother, savored and carried with you everywhere. But then they multiplied like rabbits or alligators or studded leather animals, and by the time you were in college, foreplay meant spending ten minutes moving your designer women’s bags off the bed.

Now you are successful and powerful, a woman making it in the world. But your life has been reduced to a collection of designer women’s bags and dislocated shoulders. You tell yourself that it can’t be true, but look below and see your soul spread across the display cases of Neiman Marcus. These are the bags you carry. You are a Bag Lady.

clutch purses, shoulder bags,
tote bags, leather bags,
shopper bags, zip totes,
vival totes, and evening bags.

betsy bags, flap bags,
handbags,
messenger bags,
cross-body bags,
and hobo handbags.

double-handle totes,
leather backpacks,
leather studded satchels,
top zips, stud messengers,
and twist and twirls.


(Photo of women’s bags courtesy of: www.time.com and www.harpersbazaar.com)

3 Comments

  1. Alexandra / January 12, 2011 at 4:06 pm / Reply

    I love the barnacle metaphor and the line “You are a bag lady.”

  2. Christina / January 14, 2011 at 4:38 pm / Reply

    Thanks for reminding me that I need a zip tote. My flotilla has felt unfulfilled and now I know why.

  3. Branáin / January 14, 2011 at 6:45 pm / Reply

    Every flotilla should have a zip tote as its flagship.

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